Upside Down

At night there is this entire universe of crazy that takes up space within. A universe that breathes secretively within the 3 walls of a cubicle all day, sinking lower and lower in the chair to avoid eye contact with people, occupies the entire night finding solace in silence, power to keep itself alive because only this universe understands that if it sleeps at night, it would be euthanized by the day.

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Why does everybody wake up in the morning and go to sleep at night? Why not the other way round? Though I have been practicing it for quite some time now, but it is more of an over duty to be done, abiding by the rules of this earth to wake up every morning, but also abide by what I want which is to still be wide awake even when gong strikes 3. I asked google for a word which means ‘the love for night’, ‘Nyctophilia’ it said. The night, a world where everybody I know is sleeping, how comforting. Only a few, somewhere, on this side of the globe where night has dawned are enjoying the dark, the silence; just like I am. Most part of the night is spent on crazy imaginations, it feels abnormal having all these thoughts without any weed. These thoughts make sleeping difficult, they raise a sense of excitement within. At night there is this entire universe of crazy that takes up space within. A universe that breathes secretively within the 3 walls of a cubicle all day, sinking lower and lower in the chair to avoid eye contact with people, occupies the entire night finding solace in silence, power to keep itself alive because only this universe understands that if it sleeps at night, it would be euthanized by the day. This universe knows, it knows that it needs to expand, grow, inundate the day. Make people realize that it is not made only for the night, not made to hide under the covers of the dark sky. It needs to show it exists, it needs to stand up and step out of the cubicle that can barely contain its magnanimity. Instead of waiting for people to sleep and then rise, it has to rise so that the ones asleep are woken. This universe could be anything, for some the emotions they pour on a white canvas leaving it aurora-tic, for some the numerous combinations of 26 alphabets put together to express what their heart feels, for some the tune they can sing to that makes their soul alive. Everywhere, I see kids in adult bodies hiding their universe within, crushed under the 25 grams weight of the string they wear like an ornament every day. A corporate ID card that has now become the identity of this universe within, worth it? You hold so much, worth so much and all you are identified by is the designation, pay check and the company name you have mortgaged your dreams to. It is still mortgaged and not sold, it will be sold the moment you allow your night to be put to sleep by the day. Turn this upside down, you know your universe deserves the daylight. For so long you have whispered to the night your hidden desires, shown it your inner soul, dare to propose them to the day. Those on the path to drag dreams to reality, rarely fear rejection and failure, they tread the journey no matter how difficult because they know the destinations they have planned for themselves deserve it all. Don’t let the morning sun dawn on you; you from night. Let the dark go, but you be the same. The night has not blessed many with an alternate life, make it your only life.

That little room with a window

 

I woke up again, 2.15 am on the clock, a different dream but the same room. Today I saw myself walking up the wooden stairs, stairs that took me to a room. A little room with a window. My actions would differ from dream to dream, but the room remained static. All I did, all I was, all my actions were contained in that same room. Standing on the entrance, I was looking for something. A ball maybe, or a doll, I don’t know what it was, but then, a beam of light fighting through the cavities of the wooden window distracted me. Scared of the dark and excited about what existed at the source of the light, I took one step at a time. Slow but anxious. I reached out to the window handle, just as I was trying to open it, I felt a tug on my shoulder, light descending from the window stung my skin; I woke up in agony.

In another dream, I saw myself playing in that same light, making way from the window cracks. It formed circles on the floor of the room. I kept putting my right palm on those circles, in order to hide it, but then it would appear on the back of my palm, and I would repeat with my left palm, and it would reappear. I did this for quite some time, but then another hand, placed itself on my palm. It turned my hand red. I woke up with a jerk, and checked the back of my hand, it wasn’t red.

In a dream I had some time after the previous dream, I saw myself holding yellow flowers, sunflowers maybe. Again I was walking upstairs. Happy, murmuring a rhyme maybe. This time I had no problem opening the window, but the moment I did and looked at my sunflowers and they were dead, dried and brown. First time in my dream, I had an emotion other than fear. This time it was an internal pain, an uneasy feeling within. When I woke up, the same feeling still persisted. I still felt like crying my heart out. I did.

That little room from my dreams, was the same room I was molested in as a kid. Some fine day, it all re-appears, in the form of a dream, in the form of a news headline, in the form of a latest hit movie, in the form of an instrumental music or even in the form of darkness. The memories still prevail, sometimes around and sometimes within. I wait for a dream where I can breathe in that room, not cry, not be afraid. Open the window like I used to and stare at the world outside. The open sky, the lush green trees, the fresh air, hoping it would fill my lungs again, which now felt hollow. A day I would have a dream, where that room felt just like it was, before being possessed by the demons of a paedophile.

Acceptance- Virtue of the Courageous.

Today as the year ends, it’s time to recall how eventful the past has been.
This year was special in many ways; this year changed my life.I realized I wasn’t really going on a journey I thought I was on, I was actually in a preparatory classroom taking some important lessons life had to give. Lessons of blinded love, betrayal,deceitful words and empty promises.
Sometimes courage isn’t always in standing tall through the storm.It is falling, accepting defeat, and rising again. Carefully putting back your pieces together.
Life is good with people around and people come in all colors,some colors mix with your color and make it better,some fade your color away while some darken it. People are never bad,cruel or vicious,the situations are to be blamed. Time never remains the same, people or their emotions don’t remain the same.Relations change.
Understand and accept that every person has a role in your life. Sometimes we spoil the perfect relations trying to make it last forever.When people change and nothing can be the same again,it is best to shake hands and part your ways. On a funny note it just means that if your colors mix any further, the palette would turn Raven black.
You will find a color that will perfectly merge with yours;you will find your color-mate! . Meet people ,love,laugh, live. Don’t complicate it with the burden of expectations and the hope of their fulfillment. Accept the good and bad; accept the situation. Take your lessons and move on. Acceptance and moving on requires more courage. Be Brave!